Everyone loves to laugh, right? And guess what? The more you laugh, the lower your chances of heart disease are AND the higher your immunity rate is. So read these and get healthy!
**NOTE: Most of this is PG, so don't read it if you think you shouldn't.

Click here for lots of jokes!


A Few One Liners

- "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
- The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
- Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
- The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
- Did anyone see my lost carrier?
- Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
- He who laughs last thinks slowest!
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
- There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
- Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
- I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
- Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
- Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
- I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
- Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
- Double your drive space - delete Windows!
- What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
- Assassins do it from behind.
- If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
- Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
- Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
- I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
- Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
- When there's a will, I want to be in it.
- Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
- Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
- We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
- Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.

Things to do in an elevator:

* Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
* Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the lift.
* On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
* Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
* When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to get the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
* Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
* On a long ride, sway from side to side at the natural frequency of the lift.
* Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "shut-up, damnit, all of you just shut UP!"
* Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
* Greet everyone getting on the lift with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
* Stay in the lift until it is full of people, break wind and ask "Has anyone got a light?".
* See if your aftershave/perfume works.

"The Gift"
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love."

"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

A Little Humor to Brighten Your Day

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a$$.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a$$.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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